observation

07Jul10

I have noticed that my poems are becoming less cryptic lately. I can’t help feel that this is because I’m beginning to shed the convoluted way I used to think; stuck in overly rational, overly abstract and constantly complexity-creating patterns where all spontaneity was strangled and clogged up. I was my own little BP oil spill. Of course there is nothing wrong with rationality, abstraction and complexity- especially in the latter case where that is simply what is, things are complex- but when one can’t stand back from them, can’t turn them off and lets the rational become a kind of defensive shield to hide behind then its incredibly problematic.

This is not to say I am free of such things. I fell into it recently, an obsessive and masochistic kind of thinking and in doing so hurt the person most important to me. Not only hurt them but hurt myself, as I allowed thought to take possession of me and lead me away from myself and away from them. And this is the source of whatever suffering I have given myself in myselfish foolishness. To say that is not to continue indulging in that masochism, it is simply an acknowledgement, a preparation.

The new found clarity, the lack of what I used to talk about as a ‘scrambled language’, also reflects the fact that I feel I know what I now know what I want. Not simply in my head but in my affective core. Still, I practice containment…not allowing intimate things to unfurl unchecked and as they might want. I have been letting them stay where they are, not paying them too much mind. If they are genuine in their expression they will remain in order to find themselves discharged, allowed to roam with everything else. If they are not genuine then they will pass away or transform into something other.

I never intended this blog to be personal. I intended it to be for poetry, and later for theory and philosophy and politics. And so I severed them from one another. That was illegitimate. It is not narcissistic self involvement to write a post like this but a kind of therapy, a sort of mindfulness perhaps. It is also a preparation.

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